Things Zambians are better at than me

There are many things that I’m good at. There are many things that Zambians are good at. Here are some of the things they are better at than me.

Playing Checkers/Draft:

Back home, I would occasionally play checkers for fun. I also figured that I was a decent player, at least until I came to Zambia. Zambians play a game called draft here. It’s very similar to checkers, but it has slightly modified rules. I see people playing it all the time, so I figured I could teach some of them checkers. I thought I may have the upper-hand because the rules varied from what they typically play. I was wrong. I taught my first Zambian how to play checkers one month ago, and I have just recently won my first game. Hopefully I can build on this win. My goal now is to leave Zambia with a winning record in checkers. I’m not even going to try and play draft anymore.

Farming:

This one is probably obvious. Most of the people in my village are sustenance farmers. They all grow up expecting to become farmers. I decided to try farming one day thinking I could do half of the work they would normally do. The first day I went to the field I had my brand new hoe and I was ready to get to work. I think I only manage to work for 30 minutes. The second time I went it was probably 10 minutes. The third time was the last time. The men, women, and children of Zambia can farm far better than I will ever be able to.

Carrying things on their heads:

This mostly applies to Zambian women. You never really see a man walking around with things on his head, but it does happen. How much can you carry on your head, and how far can you go? I can balance a book for a pretty good distance, but the women of my village carry upwards of 20 liters of water on their heads for close to 500 meters. 20 liters of water weighs around 40 pounds. They usually have to make multiple trips to and from the borehole with multiple containers. I’ve even seen children as young as 11 carrying 20 liters of water on their heads. It would likely break my neck if I tried it.

While there are only three things on the list, there are many more. A few of the additional items I have excluded are cooking, dancing, drumming, singing, navigating in the bush, and waking up before 6 AM. I’m trying to get better at everything I have mentioned here, but I doubt it’s going to happen. Until then, I’ll just stick to what I’m good at.

I Almost Bought a Baby, Accidentally

I almost bought a baby. Not on purpose. I didn't know I was bargaining for a baby at the moment. I didn't even know I was trying to buy a baby until I walked away from the market stand and my friends told me.

In Lusaka, Zambia there is a big crafts sale every Sunday in a place called Sunday Market. They have lots of wood carvings, paintings, jewelry, and many other crafts. Everything there is overpriced. I happened to be there the other day and I was walking around practicing my haggling skills. I didn't actually want to buy anything, but I wanted to figure out what a reasonable price for some of the items were so when I return in the future I won't get overcharged.

The last market stand I went to was operated by a man who had his young daughter with him. As I was looking at his wares with my friends, his daughter was following us around. She was probably about one year old. We would ask the price of some items in the local language by saying "Zingati?" After we decided we weren't going to buy anything we started walking away and the little girl was following us. Her father chased after her and we were smiling, so I asked him how old she was. You ask how old someone is by saying, "Zaka zingati?" Pretty similar right?

So I said, "Zaka zingati?" and pointed at the child. I could have swore he replied, "No. One and a half." It's common for some people to say "No" or "Yes" when they are replying to something here, so that fact that he led with that didn't phase me. Next he went on saying some other things about how he wouldn't trade with me for anything, so I just smiled and nodded since I didn't really understanding what was going on. After we walked away my friend looked at me and said, "Ed, you just tried to buy that baby from him."

Me: "No, I didn't."
Friend: "He thought you were."
Me: "Uh, why?"
Friend: "I heard you say 'Zaka', but I don't think he heard you say 'Zaka'. Then he said, 'No, it is the only one I have.'"
Me: "Ohh... I was wondering why he said I wouldn't trade with me for anything."

I think the most unnerving part of this story is that the man didn't really have a look of concern on his face when he thought I was trying to buy his child. He was just really casual about it. It made me wonder if I can come back next year to see if he has had another daughter so I can buy one of them. I mean, I won't do that, but it's still nice to know the option is there in case I change my mind.

Condom Distribution

We have a lot of non government organizations (NGOs) here that are working on a variety of projects. One of these organizations, Corridors of Hope, does HIV testing and distributes condoms for free. I have formed a small partnership with Corridors of Hope and they give me condoms to distribute in my village. I didn't quite know how this would be received by the villagers. Would they be afraid or embarrassed to approach me? Would they overwhelm me and I wouldn't be able to keep up with demand.

When I first brought the condoms, 400 of them, to the village only two people approached me. I handed out 10 to each of the men because I didn't know if they would actually use them or not. After those two I had no one show up for 3 months and then a new man showed up to my house. He asked for condoms, so I asked him if he knew how to properly use them. He said yes, but I didn't believe him so I made him show me using a bamboo pole. He only messed up on 2 steps, so I showed him what he did wrong and then instead of giving him 10 condoms I figured I could give him 40 since I didn't really have a lot of people showing up and taking them.

 A week goes by and my HIV Education counterpart, Simbani Banda, showed up at my house to discuss an upcoming HIV education program we are having. We get to talking and then out of no where Simbani says, "Ah, Edi! That man that you gave 40 condoms to. He only has 7 left."

This didn't really phase me because I thought he probably shared them with some of his friends since I gave him so many. I was wrong.

Me: "Did he hand them out to people?"
Simbani: "No. He used them."
Me: "...for sex?"
Simbani: "Yes."
Me: "He had sex 33 times in 7 days?"
Simbani: "Yes, he is very busy! I think you need to start just reserving a whole box for him."

Soon after that conversation the man showed up for more. I gave him 40 more since he's using them, and he showed up one week later for more again. Soon after he started coming to me for condoms, other men started showing up. I now have about 12 men coming to me for condoms on a regular basis and I just received 1,700 condoms to distribute.

How to go to the bathroom at night in Zambia

We call our pit latrines chimbudzis here in Zambia. Going to the bathroom in a chimbudzi can be quite a bit of work during the day, especially when sick. When going at night it's a completely different game though. Some people opt to have a chamber pot to urinate in at nights just so they don't have to leave the safety of their mud walls. I, on the other hand, don't use a chamber pot because I'm a big strong man. I have, however, developed a process for going to the bathroom at night to ensure my safety.

On nights with a new moon, going to the chimbudzi is the most nerve racking. You have to keep an eye out for the black mambas, green mambas, puff adders, and many other poisonous snakes. Sometimes at night you can hear packs of dogs running through the village. We have giant, hairy spiders called scorpion spiders. Giant crickets and giant centipedes. Everything here is larger than life. It's easy to get used to the normal wall spiders that are as big as my palm and the roaches that are everywhere, but a lot of the bugs you see here are just creepy looking.

So, now we know of some of the creepy crawlers that come out at night, and we are ready to go to the chimbudzi, but not as a group because that would be wierd (probably safer though). Our first step is to grab a flashlight, or as they say here in Zambia "a torch". It's really dark since there is no moon tonight. Now we are ready to go. Make sure you are alert though.

Now we go outside in the pitch black and turn on the torch. Look directly in front of you on the ground for any giant spiders or snakes. If it's clear move on. Make sure you stay on the rocky path because snakes don't like rocks, but make sure you look on the sides of the path just to be safe though. We're almost there!

Ok. We've made it to the chimbudzi. The chimbudzi is always full of creatures at nights, so before we even open it, we know something is going to be in there. Fling the door open quickly, but don't go in yet. Now just look around. First at the ground. You'll see giant crickets and roaches. The roaches will scatter leaving you only to worry about the crickets. The crickets have a habit of jumping towards the light sometimes, so if you feel inclined step on them. They leave a big mess though. There may be frogs too. Frogs will jump away from you, so just go in.

Before you step on the giant crickets, check the ceiling. Snakes can be up there, along with scorpion spiders. Is there a snake? If there is your out of luck. Go inside and find a container to pee in. If you have to poop, grab a bamboo pole and beat the snake to death. Is there a scorpion spider in there? If there is you don't have to kill it. They are likely to just sit there, but when they move, they move quick. If you're uncomfortable with a spider the size of your hand watching you go to the bathroom kill it, or you can chance it and hope it doesn't move while you're in there.

If everything is clear step inside. Don't get to comfortable. You always need to be on alert. We have one more step before we can commence with our business though. Shine the light into the hole, because there isn't a cover on it since I'm lazy, there might be snakes or bats in there. Make sure you look good. We don't want to get a snake bit on our ass if we are squatting. The bats may fly back and forth. They may or may not fly out while you are doing your business. Keep in mind they are carry rabies though. Now you need to decide... Are you going to squat? The bats may fly out. They have excellent reflexes though, so if they do fly out you may just get grazed with a wing. If you don't have to squat just go.

So we checked the hole and we are ready to go. Now we turn the light off. Why?! Because there are flies in the hole and if they see the light they will wake up and start flying around. Turn it on frequently just to make sure nothing is sneaking up on you, but don't keep it on long. Ok. We are finished. Now we can exit the chimbudzi. Check the path on the way back for snakes again, and slip back inside your hut. You've made it. Your adrenaline has been depleted, you feel more relaxed since you aren't holding poo/pee, and you see your life now has purpose. Go to sleep. Congratulations. You've survived a trip to the bathroom at night.

Mefloquine Dreams

Mefloquine is the malaria prophylaxis a lot of volunteers take here in Zambia, including me.  One of the side effects is really vivid, weird dreams. During my time here I have had my share of weird dreams. There seems to be a common theme in some of them.  Since being in country I have had dreams about 3 different celebrities. The first of which was Martin Lawrence.

I don’t remember many of the details about this dream. It was the first crazy dream I had. It started out as a movie trailer for a brand new Martin Lawrence movie, but soon enough it developed into a full blown movie. I think I was acting opposite of Mr. Lawrence in the dream movie, but I just can’t remember the plot. All that I really remember is that we were cops.

I told everyone about this dream because I thought it was awesome that I had entertainment when I slept. I didn’t think much about until I had another celebrity dream, only this time it wasn’t a movie.

Tim Allen was the star in my next dream. Instead of starring in a sitcom or movie, I was watching a life biography of Mr. Allen. It covered everything from his early years to his Home Improvement days, and then some. Unfortunately, in this dream the future for Tim was not so good. His life spiraled into a montage of murder and drugs. The good news is that he climbed out of his thug’s life when Milli Vanilli posted his bail and counseled him back to stardom.

Again, I told everyone about my amazing dream. I was hoping for more and more, but they stopped coming… That is until 2 weeks ago.

Tom Hanks. What an amazing actor! This dream wasn’t a movie or biography. I was just simply hanging out with Tom Hanks. In this dream Tom Hanks had a lake house and we went up there for the weekend. Eventually we decide to go fishing, so we get in a small fishing boat and head out to the lake.  I am at one end of the boat and Tom was at the other. Both of us were facing the opposite direction. Some time passes by and then out of nowhere… Tom Hanks tried to stick his finger up my butthole. This is where I woke up. The dream was so real that I raised my hips in real life and moved them to the side just so he couldn’t do his dirty deed.

At first I didn’t know what to think. I laid awake for a while, afraid to go back to sleep. Eventually my eyes closed again and the dream did not start up from where it left off. It was a completely new dream that Tom Hanks wasn’t in.

This past weekend I came into town for a workshop. When I got to the house my girlfriend and I decided to watch Bridesmaids. In Bridesmaids there was a movie clip from Cast Away. When Tom Hanks popped up in the movie I could definitely feel some awkwardness between us. I don’t think I will ever look at this man the same again.

Condoms by Candlelight

A man named Howard came to my house late one evening. I hadn't known Howard, but over the next few months we would become good friends. In our first meeting, Howard expressed his concerns about HIV. He asked how well certain prevention methods worked. We talked about circumcision, condoms, vasectomies, and dry sex.

Besides Howard's concern about HIV, he also wanted to stop having children. He is 26 years old and already has 4. Luckily, there is an HIV prevention method that I know about that also prevents children! Condoms!

Howard had never seen a condom out of the wrapper. He was very interested in trying them out. It was fate that put us together I believe. A Zambian man who wants to use condoms, and an American man who can get them for free. We were a perfect match.

A few weeks later I finally got the condoms. It took me awhile because I received them from another volunteer, who procured them from town. Excited, I swung by Howard's welding shop.

As I turned the corner I said, "Howard, I've got the..." There were lots of people around. I cut my sentence short and instead I just told him to swing by my house when he was done at work.

Howard showed up to my house long after the sun had set. I invite him in to have a seat. Once he is seated I informed him that I had "the goods". I could see his face light up like he was a 5 year old at Christmas time in the dim light given off from my candles. I typically use candles because it saves my flashlight batteries, and it sets the mood for condom demonstrations.

Eager to demonstrate proper condom use, I ran outside to get a bamboo rod. I get back in and we being.

"Alright Howard. We are going to act like this is a penis. First we open the condom and and inspect for any tears or holes (small pause while we check for holes). If it is alright, we pinch the tip and slide it on just like this. After you're done you grab the base and pull out so it stays on."

With his eyes wide open, I ask Howard if he would like to try. In all the excitement I forgot to tell him to tie it after it was used so the fluid doesn't make a mess...

Howard grabs a condom. "Ok... I open it. Now I check for holes. Ok... This is my penis." he said as he waved the bamboo in the air. "Now I pinch here and roll down. When I'm done I hold here and pull out."

It was my first condom demo and I feel it was overall successful. A few weeks later when Howard dropped by I asked him how the condoms were.

"Well, it feels different, but I got used to it. It's better than having babies."

Village Wingmen

I've been in my village for a little over a month now. Lots of exciting things have been happening. The people in my village are very interesting. Many of them can't speak English, but there are quite a few who can. I have two men who speak English quite well who come over often. One is 26 and the other is in his 40's. They are both very good friends. After a week in my village, I went with both of these men to one of their houses where they taught me how to grade tobacco. After grading tobacco, we went into the house. I was surprised to find out it had electricity and a TV! At this point we began watching Zambian music videos as I was served a delicious lunch served in community pots. Yay germs! It was delicious though, and besides, my immune system can use a good work out.

Lunch ends and it is just the three of us sitting in the room. Out of no where, one of them asks me if I am allowed to marry a Zambian woman. I answer him, "Why yes, I am allowed to marry a Zambian woman, but I would need to get permission from our Country Director since that can be very complicating to my service." The other gentleman then asked, "Well, can you sleep with Zambian women?" At this point I was a bit startled. "Yes... I am allowed to sleep with Zambian women.", I reluctantly confessed.

I was completely uncomfortable in this situation. I thought one of my new friends was going to offer me one of their daughters as a bride. I felt trapped. What was I going to do? There was a silence for a bit as they both smirked at me. Suddenly, the older man begins talking.

"Well, if you see any woman you would like to "play" with in the village, let us know. We will have her delivered to you. She can't be married though."

I didn't even know what to say, so I smiled awkwardly and said, "Thanks!" I was extremely happy that they didn't try to get me to marry one of their daughters, but at the same time that was an offer I wasn't expecting. After sitting down and thinking about it for awhile I decided that it was a very kind gesture of them. They are obviously worried about my wants and needs during my stay in Zambia. It's good to know that I will have some people looking out for me over the next two years, and it is especially good to note that I now have two wingmen.

(I would like to note that I haven't taken them up on their offer, and I do not plan on doing so in the future.)