How to go to the bathroom at night in Zambia

We call our pit latrines chimbudzis here in Zambia. Going to the bathroom in a chimbudzi can be quite a bit of work during the day, especially when sick. When going at night it's a completely different game though. Some people opt to have a chamber pot to urinate in at nights just so they don't have to leave the safety of their mud walls. I, on the other hand, don't use a chamber pot because I'm a big strong man. I have, however, developed a process for going to the bathroom at night to ensure my safety.

On nights with a new moon, going to the chimbudzi is the most nerve racking. You have to keep an eye out for the black mambas, green mambas, puff adders, and many other poisonous snakes. Sometimes at night you can hear packs of dogs running through the village. We have giant, hairy spiders called scorpion spiders. Giant crickets and giant centipedes. Everything here is larger than life. It's easy to get used to the normal wall spiders that are as big as my palm and the roaches that are everywhere, but a lot of the bugs you see here are just creepy looking.

So, now we know of some of the creepy crawlers that come out at night, and we are ready to go to the chimbudzi, but not as a group because that would be wierd (probably safer though). Our first step is to grab a flashlight, or as they say here in Zambia "a torch". It's really dark since there is no moon tonight. Now we are ready to go. Make sure you are alert though.

Now we go outside in the pitch black and turn on the torch. Look directly in front of you on the ground for any giant spiders or snakes. If it's clear move on. Make sure you stay on the rocky path because snakes don't like rocks, but make sure you look on the sides of the path just to be safe though. We're almost there!

Ok. We've made it to the chimbudzi. The chimbudzi is always full of creatures at nights, so before we even open it, we know something is going to be in there. Fling the door open quickly, but don't go in yet. Now just look around. First at the ground. You'll see giant crickets and roaches. The roaches will scatter leaving you only to worry about the crickets. The crickets have a habit of jumping towards the light sometimes, so if you feel inclined step on them. They leave a big mess though. There may be frogs too. Frogs will jump away from you, so just go in.

Before you step on the giant crickets, check the ceiling. Snakes can be up there, along with scorpion spiders. Is there a snake? If there is your out of luck. Go inside and find a container to pee in. If you have to poop, grab a bamboo pole and beat the snake to death. Is there a scorpion spider in there? If there is you don't have to kill it. They are likely to just sit there, but when they move, they move quick. If you're uncomfortable with a spider the size of your hand watching you go to the bathroom kill it, or you can chance it and hope it doesn't move while you're in there.

If everything is clear step inside. Don't get to comfortable. You always need to be on alert. We have one more step before we can commence with our business though. Shine the light into the hole, because there isn't a cover on it since I'm lazy, there might be snakes or bats in there. Make sure you look good. We don't want to get a snake bit on our ass if we are squatting. The bats may fly back and forth. They may or may not fly out while you are doing your business. Keep in mind they are carry rabies though. Now you need to decide... Are you going to squat? The bats may fly out. They have excellent reflexes though, so if they do fly out you may just get grazed with a wing. If you don't have to squat just go.

So we checked the hole and we are ready to go. Now we turn the light off. Why?! Because there are flies in the hole and if they see the light they will wake up and start flying around. Turn it on frequently just to make sure nothing is sneaking up on you, but don't keep it on long. Ok. We are finished. Now we can exit the chimbudzi. Check the path on the way back for snakes again, and slip back inside your hut. You've made it. Your adrenaline has been depleted, you feel more relaxed since you aren't holding poo/pee, and you see your life now has purpose. Go to sleep. Congratulations. You've survived a trip to the bathroom at night.